Emotional investment

They say that ocean tides move to the voice of the moon,
and the tide and I, we have that in common, because I live at night.
When the sun is just starting to fill up with gold,
I lay in the middle of my red room,
and fill my mouth with words
words I want to whisper in your ear,
no,
shout at you from a distance.
I want them to explode like grenades on your back,
I want the impact of me to leave you with post traumatic syndrome.
I want you to wake up 46 years from now,
and know you destroyed this, not me.
However,
I am a coward.
I lack the emotional funding to actually perform
in front of you,
like a loyal jester,
I would gladly be beheaded if I couldn't make you laugh,
and you would hear me say I love you
with the final slice of my thanksgiving ham of a head.
Everyone dies alone,
but I think when I die,
I'll take you with me.
Just like when its dark out,
and I have this uncertainty sprouting in the hairs on my neck.
When I feel like someones watching me that shouldn't be,
I pretend you're near.
Because somehow, no matter how far away you are,
you keep saving me.
I want to spend days creating with you,
making sunsets richer
because we are in fact the color which so inspired the heavens to part.
I was there when it happened,
were you?
When I was once a flower,
guarding a snake hole,
I was so beautiful, blossoming white gardenia.
I stood a limbs length above
any bird,
and any wolf.
I was a fine scented meal,
with a nasty after taste.
You couldn't hear me then,
but I loved you,
and when the blue jay we hated
plucked me from my safe perch,
to make her nest,
I gave my body to the Earth in hopes
you would find me inspirational,
you would celebrate my life for the rest of yours.
I wanted you to know,
I could be selfless.
You grew right next to me,
beautiful and bright.
But this world chose me.
Chose for me to suffer,
as you innocently stood by,
my roots became a memorial,
and you watched the baby birds hatch
in my warmth,
I saw your translucent stem weep.
photosynthesized tears,
colorful and tempting-
You were always
so obviously better than any other vine of jade I had seen.
I wanted to tie you around and around the sky,
so the world could see just how twisted our imaginations were.
I want to see shapes,
not just picture them,
I want you to be in charge of all my skies.
complex, powerful, sexual designs.
But we are no longer flowers,
we are man and woman,
similar only by flesh,
still tangled by the touch, the taste, of love.
But I remember you,
You've mourned me once before.
But this time,
you're cruel.
like a man.
And we look into the same sky,
colored blue by the hysterical breakdowns
of broken hearted sailors,
throwing themselves into the mercy of the sea.
No one gets out alive,
But before you get out,
you'll feel more alive than ever before.
I know,
I know I broke your heart.
But once it's been broken,
you'll feel more alive than ever before.
My sky is blue,
and so is yours.
So I know there are plenty of things in this world to sulk about,
but I've loved you.
I've loved.
at all.
(But if only you knew,
baby,
if only you knew.)
If I could capture the sunrise I felt in my soul
the morning I first woke to your touch,
I would never see darkness,
I would never need the darkness again.

The elbows (Fragile, like a shadow in hell)

Please lend me your love,
lend it to me, in potent pouches of ounces,
So that I may count out my dosage
And learn to inhale with a french twitch.
Lend it to me like you want it back- never,
and you're loving me like you only want mine.
My love, Your love.
Seems to be the only equation I can picture
as I spell out pictures,
because I cannot use these hands to contaminate a portrait of a prettier thing.
my love of us is so intense,
intense, yeah, like camping.
Out in the woods,
We laid in mud,
because we wanted to feel criminal,
we wanted to feel as dirty as our minds made us feel.
Just so we could feel the sun cake something on our skin
besides fire, beside the cancer, besides our god-like tans.
We want to wear our desires stamped on our chests,
like a scarlet letter, branding us,
we want our love to be poetic,
so even the trees can translate the echoey canyons of it.
So throughout time,
we forget time,
and for once,
maybe birthdays wouldn't be so dull.
To know you, another year,
would be just as beautiful as the eye of a sparrow, when the Iris reflects sun.
And there we stand,
holding one another up,
baked like love birds in the oven,
cracked, hard, and dry,
the mold of muddy plaster
fills my mouth, and invades my tongue.
I want to be dirty.
Not just sexual,
no, no, no.
I want to be covered in mud,
baked in the sun,
and cocooned within a mud mask.
If it means standing with you,
in a museum,
people will frame us,
Like Mona Lisa,
but with less deceit and more desire,
I want to be Mona Lisas secret twin sister,
Give you everything she can't,
I am the sexy one, I am the intelligent one, and I do want to love you.
I won't just smile and say,
"Paint me this way."
The more muscles in the mouth,
the better they are for smiling after we kiss,
If you don't love me after this,
(after this catacomb of dirt and water
pieces of the ground,
keeping us still
my eyes in yours.)
at least my skin will look good.
I tilt one hip,
and the mold cracks.
Suddenly we are standing outside of our shells,
shells we created,
because we thought we could love each other always,
because we didn't care if we grew old.
We are too busy soaking in the moment,
the moments,
Lava coated, lightening storms,
pacified by nothing,
intensified by a single stolen kiss.
I should know better by now-
love finds me always,
in the stillest of days,
and fingers my soul,
until love materializes
with flowers blossoming in blood,
bees buzzing about breast size and landscaping.
crash.
A realization, realized entirely in the glass parts of my spine.
I am a midnight window
in a world full of angry cats.
I kept trying to let them sleep,
but god did they cry.
and sometimes, I let their burdens stay perched until they die.
I don't need anything,
Because I am a fucking superhero,
Because I know how it is to love,
Because I feel fear, and fear feeling.
I have survived this world for 18 years!
Because I have lost everything,
and to find ANYTHING is everything.
But I have spent 19 years breathing
I have spent 18 years walking,
And 17 years talking,
But ask my elbows,
if they know how I ended up,
lying on my back.
body, suffocated by a storm of sheets,
body, removing itself,
mind, nowhere, and everywhere.
kissing you, like I've never been hurt,
Like I've never skinned the face of my fleshy peel.
Like my funny bone hasn't cried,
I love you like I can't even love myself.
And I won't let the tragedy
of a few severed nerves stand in my way.
When you see them,
Ask the elbows if they've ever felt a fall
(wishful, like a shadow in hell)
(beautiful, like a shadow in hell)
(fragile, like a shadow in hell)


Quite like the fall of love (miracle of all miracles, like a shadow in hell)