The somewhere else

I am sitting down.
My feet smell.
I hate my dog (currently)
we are broken up.
Because he continues to abuse my leg, sexually.
I pretend I am somewhere else.
There are clouds where I imagine.
It' is a NO hump zone,
The dog forgets my leg
he finds a slutty pillow.
I close my eyes and remember that place I was building
Clouds, Trees,
you know, the place..the eh..
The... somewhere else.
That place.
That's the place I'm building!
The somewhere else.
Sunny,
Singing!
somewhere else-
Violin Spiders,
orchestrate an even bigger picture,
and bring me to the dark room in the back of my mind.
They play their abdomens slowly.
Like Jaws is approaching my subconscious...



 I am.



All my shark eyes see are negatives of love.
truly the most truth I've spoken in years.
The negatives of love.
Because they ARE there.
They are upside down.
They are a demonic, delightful interpretation
of the most posed moments in my life.
"SMILE."

These moments-

I guess they come with a price,
I hear it's a heart,
but-
some people say it's just time.

And some people are liars.

some people.

tell the truth.

it's all out there.


Either way,
if you don't mind being robbed & impolitely tickled

you can fall in love.

I like hands.
I can fall in love with those things.
I like to look at those things,
because usually, they tell a story so compelling,
it can only be told by the history of the sun.

the sun,
that's who knows your skin the most, right?
Even when I was away from my mother,
there was the sun.

I hated playgrounds
I hated urine soaked bark
I hated blisters from monkey bars
I hated underwear
and I loved wearing dresses
^^^I asked someone to add all that up once
and do the math
they just reported me as spam.
So I put myself in a can
and stayed in there until the day I moved.

I like the cat, he's alright.
He's an asshole,
but so am I.
Sometimes I know we agree on things.
I know he knows I'm never right.
I know that too.
I admire the cat for being honest,
even if he can't speak.

I'll have one bottle of wine please.
hold the cheese.
that's a rotten joke.
I hate the word rotten.
I wish I could have told a better joke than my life.
I wish I would have kept flash card popsicle sticks in my pocket
for such an emergency.
I keep building the somewhere else.
the somewhere else.

Everyone says
 "it shouldn't have been him."
 or
 "It shouldn't have been her."
 And today, I am everyone. (no1)
 It shouldn't have been you.
 And I don't know who it should have been...
It just SHOULDN'T have been you.
Maybe it shouldn't be ANYONE.
Maybe Death
should use the same GPS I used
when I got lost in Sacramento for 3978577986568 years.
Thats how old you should have lived to be.
3978577986568 YEARS OLD.
Shoulds. Shoulds. Shoulds.
And I am frozen, utterly numb.
Feeling ridiculous.
Feeling over dressed when I stand naked.
Feeling over dressed when I stand clothed.
I should wear nothing.
I should wear something.
I should
I should
EXCEPT
I am over dressed.
for such a sad, miserable occasion.
I am over dressed-
And every day
I spend knowing you're never coming back
I imagine myself happily forgetting my days
Until I can see you again.
When I get out of bed I have MOVED TOO MUCH.
And when I fall asleep I have spent too much time forgetting.
Not hitting the stupid refresh button in my mind.
I remember your smile so clearly I can see it in every bright light.
The sun.
The moon.
I spend some nights forgetting my days
I spend some days forgetting my nights
and some days and some nights I forget everything
And here I am.
Canvas,

that's what you said we were.

canvas...

 But in this dream I had,
I ripped apart my Mona Lisa.
I ripped it apart so bad it felt like FINALLY I could get even... with me.
I felt TOO much.
I missed you so bad my teeth fell out of my gums.
I missed you so bad my hands became guns.
I missed you so bad that my eyes fell asleep wide awake.
It shouldn't have been.
It shouldn't have been.
logically,
emotionally,
should haves
and should hads
nothings
and everythings
and who gives a fuck.
 You should be here.
And I miss you.
And I miss you with the whole world.
I know you can hear me,
or at least you can feel me.
so feel this, I love you.

Eggactly.

I am Currently The egg Scrambling, With all my last transparent & runny thoughts. I remember my omelet aspirations. And scramble. Faster. Faster.

I like to pretend I'm complex. So that way When I inevitably remain human I'll have twice the excuses. I like to play with mirrors And look deep into the stacking tunnels of dimension And pretend for the first time ever I am afraid of myself. This is more entertaining than the truth.

Absent fear

absent fears,
Which rug have you been swept under?
It has been far too long since I've seen the shadow,
Of my ego,
Swarming the decour.
And falling like flies.
Absent fears,
I don't think I miss you.
Because the bliss of being
so goddamn tired
Keeps me on the lighter side.
Absent fears,
Timid and aging,
Wine stored,
Cork down.
Breaking down,
The smaller elements.
Producing, a bitter, chalky taste.
Absent fears,
I think its arrousing,
To sit in my room,
Cursing your figures-
So clearly mooning my thoughts.
You flip me off, and show me no mercy.
You fuck around,
And come home late.
Right before I'm sleeping,
Curled up, so content,
You shake my body ill,
You remind me of that evil,
You remind me of splintered glass,
You remind me of death,
You remind me of life
You remind me of love, now gone.
You remind me of pain.
You remind me I love.
You remind me I'm ill.
You remind me I'm hilarious.
You remind me I'm insane.
You remind me I'm a woman.
You remind me I'm a snake.
You remind me I am hysterical.
You remind me of sleepless nights.
You remind me of my love.
My love.
Which first rendered you absent.
Kept you in a jail,
And starved you,
Fear.
You died,
While all else grew.
And I am a sleeping giant.
Filled with miles of dreams.
I am so loved,
And in love.
So you are now. Absent.
Fear.

Night

There is night in your eyes, Midnight strolls, and distant lights.

fall&i

I believe in beautiful things,
I recognize them,
always appearing,
somewhere less than fragrant,
molding floors,
slipping into patterns of palm trees,
burying my brain in tropical woe is me mourning,
but this morning?
it was a bright morning,
a bright morning,
I spent cradling the leaf which landed on your arm,
and it remains,
gold as ever.
I want to kiss it,
I want to kiss you,
and it's quiet now,
now that all those puppets were silenced,
now that all my strings have been cut.
I'm alone,
in my head,
it's just me now.
in my bed,
holding you like a child holds a pile of leaves,
ready to pounce,
I want you to be all over me.
I want you to be the reason I crave fall,
for forever.
Yes, that's a long time,
but there are miles of you,
miles and miles of you,
I must find answers for,
answers for blushing kisses,
and fragile gazes,
I don't forget them at all.
In fact they lay on my ceiling,
I instantly projected them there,
upon noticing,
I was sitting in the middle of a moment called love.
I painted a picture,
and I can't get rid of it.
there are colors,
gleaming.
I wish you could see how dark I've been.
Because this moves me to tears.
And those tears are blue,
and I am feeling all this,
this happiness,
this fear of loss,
this heart, now beating.
I know I've tried deeply,
to forget the odd of the seasons,
for some reason,
while deeply ruined,
I reached for you,
maybe it was your eyes,
never strange,
not from mine.
maybe it was because
we wept once,
for one another,
before we even touched.
I heard silence in static,
found confusion in my routinely devoured love,
while you gave me hope,
the fog of past,
rallied its droplets, and
drenched my hands,
in gasoline,
I never wanted you to be there when the fire broke out,
when the match lit.
I fractured branches,
charcoaled trust,
splintered precious things,
I know that,
I see them at my feet,
before I sleep.
And it's morning,
So early.
And you're here,
rising above all that dust and decay,
you're a beautiful moment happening,
in a beautiful setting,
nothing but gold peaking through the shades,
lacing your outline,
growing in my mind,
framed by the slits of my eyes.
I want you to know,
I see you now.
something I won't lose,
I won't lose again.
I don't even want to blink.
but it's early,
so early,
with the scent of coffee in the air.
You're sleeping.
here.
You hate coffee.
Sleeping,
yes,
I need to be sleeping,
so I close my eyes,
but I can't keep them there,
I don't think dreaming even knows
how to construct this
safety.
No, not even dreams can construct safety
without illusions.
I'm awake.
I'm awake
and
I want to be.