Belief-ing.

I want to believe I'm believable.

I want the wind to take the last drag off of this cigarette.

So I don't have to spend my nights

believing I'm addicted to this.

I don't want to believe I've come undone.

I spend nights staring at my ceilings,

waiting for them to cave in,

I can never stop smiling

the nights I feel the plaster hitting my skin.

Here I go,

blaming the walls that keep me confined.

While I hold the axe.

and hesitate to resist becoming another speck.

I know now,

I don't believe in anything.

not even myself.

dust

I can float through walls.

and plant my graces

in between the words that have stuck in the wooden paneling.

I like it best here,

alone.

I like being dust.

shipment: marked unshippable

There's a heavy scent of misleading charm in the air.

it chokes the passer-byers.

they fan their faces and glare at the source.

I never knew

they were glaring at me.

I guess I'm not vain enough to think

anyone would take the time to hate me.

Then again,

I'm vain enough to assume

they wouldn't.

I am an addictive riot.

taking place in the library

filled with wit, and silent punches.

They must know-

I want to take great pride in destroying beautiful things.

and when I'm at the peak of my destruction

I grow a concieous.

and it tells me,

I'm no good.

and while it whispers unspoken truths

I am the girl

you want to rescue.

but I just want to sink.

They flutter to me like misguided misfits.

and I am just sick enough to be worshipped.

I can see you all.

you can stop shaking your heads.

you can stop telling me

why you're qualified to fuck me.

because that's all this small talk is,

right?

I wake up to your voices

I wake up to your laughter.

Explain to me who I was last night.

Because I swear on everything,

I have no clue where I've been.

I heard them knocking on that door last night.

I heard him calling my name-

while he was.

while he was tilting his head

to match the lean of my own.

but I can hear them all clawing at the door.

"But wait, we're 24 hour soulmates."

They call my name,

and soon enough,

it's the soundtrack of the night.

I never knew

the symphonic synching

of two voices

screaming my name

could be the choral death of my ego.

I lay in rusty sheets,

and shake the dust off my lust.

and all I wanted to do

was be queen for the night.

be the talk of the town

for all the wrong reasons again.

"you're perfect."

I know.

"You're enchanting."

I know.

"You're captivating."

I know.

trust me.

I didn't want to find out this way.

I didn't want you to either.

but remember when you walked in on me

shouting at the mirror?

that was me,

that was me.

"You're out of control."

I know.

"You're losing it."

I know.

"You're a liar."

I know.

Undress me with one zip.

Define my life by that one look that said it all.

forgetting to zip up my pants,

simply because I thought this was the kind of love

that was best experienced naked.

The wild fire that burned down my childhood home

is burning down the wooden doors my heart stands behind.

it beats alone.

I held my hand out to you, wooden stranger.

and you splintered my soft childish skin.

I remain dumbfounded by the pain of losing something,

the pain of losing you...

it beats me when I'm alone.

I keep calling to you,

but you have forgotten your own name.

the skin you cling too, clings to you, because it is afraid.

you will never be alone.

dynamic

between the y shaped tree and me,

there are four neighbors arguing.

they are ugly for shouting,

and I think that maybe

they are all just yelling.

not to be heard,

but to yell.

Don't argue

Send me to bed without supper,

I am long gone from hunger.

I am without a tongue, without a taste, and without a truth.

Everything about me is made up,

just ask that group of people,

they'll tell you all about

who I was in highschool

What I believe in,

and whether it's cool or not.

They'll run circles around me,

no matter where I go.

So maybe it's best, you just stare from a distance,

because the rest of me,

that's all made up.

Shake my hand

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am the one howling at the moon.

NOT Edwards moon, you jackass.

My moon.

I don't howl because I'm lonely,

I could care less about that.

I howl because I need to be heard,

I have things to say,

and too often

you alphas are blinded by my silky coat.

I'd like to stay hidden

because I hate to be seen.

I give in sometimes, yes.

I walk with sex in my step, yes.

But allow me to introduce myself-

It's all for me.

Allow me to be the first person to be real with you

"Suck my dick, make like a banana and shit."

You don't like that baby?

Try this-

I'm the illest perfection you'll ever meet.

You will love me, I promise.

But I promise you,

I'll never love you back.

I know just what to say.

I act accordingly.

I'm untouchable,

which is why you'll want me.

which is while you'll love me.

which is why you won't have me.

So allow me to excuse myself.

you can shake my other hand

and kiss my ass.