Emotional investment

They say that ocean tides move to the voice of the moon,
and the tide and I, we have that in common, because I live at night.
When the sun is just starting to fill up with gold,
I lay in the middle of my red room,
and fill my mouth with words
words I want to whisper in your ear,
no,
shout at you from a distance.
I want them to explode like grenades on your back,
I want the impact of me to leave you with post traumatic syndrome.
I want you to wake up 46 years from now,
and know you destroyed this, not me.
However,
I am a coward.
I lack the emotional funding to actually perform
in front of you,
like a loyal jester,
I would gladly be beheaded if I couldn't make you laugh,
and you would hear me say I love you
with the final slice of my thanksgiving ham of a head.
Everyone dies alone,
but I think when I die,
I'll take you with me.
Just like when its dark out,
and I have this uncertainty sprouting in the hairs on my neck.
When I feel like someones watching me that shouldn't be,
I pretend you're near.
Because somehow, no matter how far away you are,
you keep saving me.
I want to spend days creating with you,
making sunsets richer
because we are in fact the color which so inspired the heavens to part.
I was there when it happened,
were you?
When I was once a flower,
guarding a snake hole,
I was so beautiful, blossoming white gardenia.
I stood a limbs length above
any bird,
and any wolf.
I was a fine scented meal,
with a nasty after taste.
You couldn't hear me then,
but I loved you,
and when the blue jay we hated
plucked me from my safe perch,
to make her nest,
I gave my body to the Earth in hopes
you would find me inspirational,
you would celebrate my life for the rest of yours.
I wanted you to know,
I could be selfless.
You grew right next to me,
beautiful and bright.
But this world chose me.
Chose for me to suffer,
as you innocently stood by,
my roots became a memorial,
and you watched the baby birds hatch
in my warmth,
I saw your translucent stem weep.
photosynthesized tears,
colorful and tempting-
You were always
so obviously better than any other vine of jade I had seen.
I wanted to tie you around and around the sky,
so the world could see just how twisted our imaginations were.
I want to see shapes,
not just picture them,
I want you to be in charge of all my skies.
complex, powerful, sexual designs.
But we are no longer flowers,
we are man and woman,
similar only by flesh,
still tangled by the touch, the taste, of love.
But I remember you,
You've mourned me once before.
But this time,
you're cruel.
like a man.
And we look into the same sky,
colored blue by the hysterical breakdowns
of broken hearted sailors,
throwing themselves into the mercy of the sea.
No one gets out alive,
But before you get out,
you'll feel more alive than ever before.
I know,
I know I broke your heart.
But once it's been broken,
you'll feel more alive than ever before.
My sky is blue,
and so is yours.
So I know there are plenty of things in this world to sulk about,
but I've loved you.
I've loved.
at all.
(But if only you knew,
baby,
if only you knew.)
If I could capture the sunrise I felt in my soul
the morning I first woke to your touch,
I would never see darkness,
I would never need the darkness again.